


Glass Needles

by kamidontarchive



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-26
Updated: 2005-03-28
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:46:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamidontarchive/pseuds/kamidontarchive
Summary: Justin is having trouble dealing with problems in his life and turns to drugs to numb the pain. Together he and Brian will make it through, we hope.This has not been beta approved... is old and was ACCIDENTALLY updated. If you read it have mercy, it is from my early days.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

“Jennifer what the hell do you expect me to do he won’t fucking talk to me” Brian said with frustration.

“Well we have to do something. I know he is taking something but I don't know what” Jennifer said, she was really worried about Justin.

“I think he has been taking those prescription pain pills that the doctor gave him and who knows what else” he said.

“Are you sure he is not just taking the pills” Jennifer asked even though she knew that was not likely, she knew Justin was into more than just those pills.

“I see him everyday. I know he is on something heavier and I plan to find out what” Brian said. He was getting annoyed he really did not want to discuss this with her.

“Jennifer I really want to discuss this with Justin first but I know it’s not going to go over well with him. I think he knows that I know that something is wrong but he is going through a shit load of trouble to keep me off his case” Brian said. 

“Brian I know that you are really the only person who has ever been able to get into Justin’s head. Maybe just maybe he will listen to you and realize that he has a problem and we can look into getting him some help” Jennifer said. She could only hope that Brian would be able to make sure that Justin was okay and got some help before he got too bad.

“Brian you have a call on line two” Cynthia said through the intercom.

“Tell whoever it is I will call them back” Brian said with frustration heavy in his voice.

“It’s Mr. Firestone he is looking to start a new campaign with Kinnetik” she stated.

“Okay put him through” he said “Jennifer can we talk about this later I have to take an important call” he said. He was happy to get away from the conversation about Justin.

**  
“Come on man just give me another hit” Justin said through his half opened eyes. He was starting to get anxious and it felt like ants were crawling on his skin. God all he needed was another hit. He had been strung out on Heroin for about three weeks and was now unable to control the itching and tracks were becoming visible on his arms and between his fingers.

“No man come on I just gave you a hit ten minutes ago” Cody said. He and Justin had found each other on the same drug corner and had fast become drug buddies.

“Damnit Cody just give me another hit” he begged.

“Okay man but when you overdose don’t say it was my fault” Cody said as he prepared the shot and pushed it into Justin’s veins.

“Oh god that feels good I got to go so I can be home when Brian gets there” he said as his eyes closed and he slipped into unconsciousness. When he woke Cody was gone and it was dark outside he glanced at his watch and waited for the numbers to come into focus.

“Damnit 4 a.m. Brian is gonna be so pissed at me” he said as he stood on shaking legs and began to head toward home. At least he thought he was headed home. His head was spinning and he was beginning to feel the ants crawling on his skin again. He reached into his pocket and popped four Percocet. He smiled as a calm rested over his body he forgot about his hand and Chris Hobbs and his father and his slipping grades and just felt nothing. He loved that feeling.

Brian stood at the window and checked his watch again. He had no idea where the fuck Justin was but he knew that whatever he was doing was not good. Another hour passed and Brian was getting worried he was seriously contemplating calling the police when he heard the elevator creeping up to his floor.

Justin busted through the door and headed straight to the fridge for a bottle of water. He was burning up and the ants would not stop crawling, he had been scratching his skin like crazy all the way home and it was finally starting to become raw. He had not even noticed that Brian was standing right behind him.

“Justin” Brian said.

“Jesus fucking Christ Brian you scared the shit out of me what are you doing up” he said as he scratched at his neck and arms.

“Justin where have you been and what have you been doing” Brian asked trying to control his temper.

“Nothing Um I was drawing in the studio and I guess I just lost track of time” he lied as he tried to get around Brian to get to the shower.

“Justin I know you weren’t at PIFA because I went there after you did not show up so where the fuck were you” Brian asked finally losing control of his temper.

Justin was swaying and almost lost his balance twice.

“You must have just missed me then” he said stepping into the bathroom and locking the door before Brian could get a chance to follow him.

When Justin finally emerged Brian was in bed pretending to be sleep. Justin quickly got into bed and covered himself with the blanket up to the neck and went to sleep. More drug induced sleep than exhaustion. When Brian felt Justin’s breathing even out he slowly turned to look at his partner. They had been together for ten years and everything had seemed fine until Justin started PIFA again after a long absence to discover that he still could not master the disciplines with his gimp hand and that Chris Hobbs was now attending the school also.

He started taking the prescription pain pills to lessen the pain in his hand and when he discovered heroin while Brian was out of town on business he found that it took away all his pain. He loved that feeling and three weeks ago had come to need that feeling, he was spinning out of control and he knew it.

Brian looked at his partner and when he did he noticed that the duvet was pulled up to his neck. He reached over and pulled it down. He was relieved to see pure smooth white skin that shined in the moonlight like it was finished marble. It was very red but he blamed that on the hot shower. He reached over and took hold of Justin’s hand intertwining his fingers with Justin’s. That is when he noticed the small needle holes and the lines that were following the marks up the insides of Justin’s fingers.

He sat upright and stared at the hand. Then he pulled the duvet back and took in Justin’s whole body. When he looked really looked he could see the needle marks in his neck and arms and even on his dick. Brian knew then that he was going to have to confront Justin about what he knew and he knew it was not going to end well.

**  
“Justin opened his eyes and quickly closed then against the bright light” his head was pounding and he craved a hit and some pills. His skin was still on fire and the ants were crawling at full force. He began to scratch and stopped when Brian’s hand grabbed his.

“Justin, I saw the marks on your body they look like needle holes would you care to tell me what the fuck is going on” Brian said as he glared at Justin.

Justin just looked at Brian and said nothing. He did not know what to say he had been caught and he was scared and pissed.

“Justin I asked you a question. What the fuck is going on with you? Brian said softly.

“N..n..nothing Brian I just got some weird marks from one of my art classes the other day” he said. It sounded like a lie as he said it but he did not care he just wanted a hit.

“BULLSHIT” Brian screamed “You better tell me what the fuck is going on or I can tell you what the fuck I think is going on” Brian said.

Justin just sat there and stared he said nothing.

“Fine I think that you are strung out and from the way you are scratching I would say Heroin. I would also say that you have gone through more bottles of Percocet in the last four months than when the bashing actually happened. I would say that I called PIFA so I know you have not went to class in four weeks and I also know that your father has been calling you and telling you crazy shit and I know that Chris goes to your school now” Brian said as he waited for Justin to deny the things he said.

Brian was not ready for the reaction of Justin. He responded with full on rage.

“FUCK YOU BRIAN you don’t know SHIT. Everything is fucked up I cannot draw and I cannot make anybody happy” he said and then before Brian could stop him Justin picked up a vase and threw it across the room. He was yelling incomprehensibly as he pushed past Brian into the kitchen.

Brian did not know what to do; he was not prepared for a violent reaction. Justin was raging out of control.

“Justin calm down okay we will fix things, we can get you some help” Brian said as he took a step toward Justin. How had this got so ugly so fast?

“I don’t need help” Justin screamed as a liquor bottle was slammed to the floor. “I don’t want your fucking help I just want to get a pill and go to sleep” he screamed smashing yet another glass to the floor. He reached for the cabinet drawer where he kept his pills and discovered it was empty.

“I threw them all out yesterday Justin” Brian said. Justin slowly turned.

“How could you do that I need those pills they take away all the pain” he cried as he moved to his jacket on the stool by the counter to get his heroin.

“I threw that out this morning while you slept” Brian stated flatly.

Justin was in a panic and Brian was at a loss of what to do. He had found the drugs and threw them out but had not thought past that step. He did not know how desperate Justin was or how bad his addiction was. He had not guessed that it was this bad.

He snapped back to the present situation and noticed that Justin had emptied the trash can in an attempt to find his heroin and pills.

“Where the fuck is it you ASSHOLE” Justin yelled. I just need to numb the pain doesn’t he understand that. Then Justin noticed that a piece of the liquor bottle was by his knee. He grabbed it in his hand.

“Justin put that glass down before you cut yourself” Brian said as he rushed to take the glass out of Justin’s hand.

It was too late. Justin pressed the glass to his skin and pulled. Red blood poured out as if it was water from a fire hose. Justin slumped against the counter as he felt the calm wash over his body.

“Jesus Justin hold on, GODDAMNIT” Brian yelled as he wrapped a towel around the gash on Justin’s arm and called 911. The towel was soaking fast with blood and Brian was frantic as he waited for the ambulance. Justin’s eyes rolled back in his head as he soaked in the calm feeling. 

“Don’t you leave me do you hear me, don’t you fucking leave me” Brian cried as the floor under him pooled with blood.


	2. Glass Needles

“Mr. Kinney?” 

“Yeah I am Mr. Kinney” Brian said. He was nervous as he waited to hear what the doctor had to say about Justin.

“Hello Mr. Kinney I am Dr. Richards I treated Justin when he came in I think that we should move into a private room to discuss Mr. Taylor’s condition.

“Okay” Brian said. He wants to go into a private room Oh god that can not mean good news. I should have called someone to be here with me I do not want to deal with this by myself but the person I depend on is the one who needs the help. 

The doctor’s voice snapped him back to the situation at hand.

“Excuse me doctor what was that you said” Brian said.

“I asked are you the person in charge of Mr. Taylor’s medical care” the doctor said as he waited for an answer.

“Yes I am the one responsible Mr. Taylor is my husband his legal name is Taylor-Kinney” Brian said. He still could not believe they were married.

“Okay, well Mr. Kinney it seems that your husband has lost a lot of blood from the gash on his arm not to mention that he is also severely dehydrated. We have also noticed that he has a topical skin infection that is starting to develop from all the scratching. The blood tests that we ran showed extremely high levels of heroin and percocet” Dr. Richards said “Mr. Kinney were you aware that your husband was using drugs” he asked as he waited for an answer.

“I knew that he was using the pills and I recently became aware of the heroin that is what caused this whole mess. I confronted him this morning and I had thrown out all his drugs and when he could not find them he flew into a rage” Brian said. He had that familiar feeling of guilt that he had felt so long ago he somehow felt that this was at least partially his fault. He knew Justin and he felt as if he should have caught onto what was going on earlier.

“We are going to keep him for observation and he will have to see the psychiatrist” doctor Richards started matter of factly.

“He is not going to agree to see the psychiatrists” Brian said. He knew that Justin would not agree to see any head doctor no matter how fucked up he was.

“I am afraid that in this case he has no choice, he caused a self inflicting wound that we will treat as an attempted suicide unless and until the hospital psychiatrist says otherwise” doctor Richards said “You can go in and see him when you are ready” he said as he turned to walk away.

Before he got completely out the door he turned and said “Mr. Kinney I know that this cannot be easy but I will warn you to be prepared that he will not take kindly to your presence. It is all the drugs in his system and the stress plus the pain, he has to take it out on someone and your the closest” and with that he excused himself and left the room. 

**

Brian stopped outside Justin’s room and took a deep breath. It should not be this hard to push a door in and see your own husband he thought. The doctor had said that Justin would probably not be very pleased to see him and at the moment he knew that Dr. Richards was most likely right. He took one more deep breath and turned the knob. 

“Justin, Justin” Brian said. He could see that Justin’s eyes were open but he refused to look at him. “Justin I know that you are pissed at me right now but we can work it out please look at me Justin” Brian said as he walked over and pulled Justin into an embrace. Justin did nothing as Brian put his arms around him. “Justin please just at least touch me back” he pleaded.

For the first time since the night before Justin opened his mouth and spoke. Brian could hear the voice in his ear and he almost had to strain to hear even though he was so close.

“How the fuck am I supposed to touch you when my hands are tied to the fucking bed?” Justin said softly but with all the anger he could muster. He was so angry at everything that was happening. He was in horrible pain because when they found out that he was hooked on drugs they had stopped his pain medication.

Brian leaned back from Justin and realized that his arms were in fact tied to the bed. He could only imagine how uncomfortable that must be for Justin. Justin never liked for his arms to be restricted, unless it was during sex of course. Justin looked so angry and pissed at Brian and at everything else that was going on in his life.

“How could you let them do this to me Brian, I don’t need to be in a hospital I am fine I swear. I was just a little tired and upset last night because my paintings are not coming out the way I want” Justin said. He was grasping at straws and by the look in Brian’s eyes he knew all the straws had holes.

“Justin, baby, I told you that I knew what was going on so you can cut the shit about school and projects and all the other bullshit excuses that you have conjured up in that precious little head of yours” Brian said as he tapped on Justin’s temple for emphasis. “You know that they are going to make you see the hospital shrink about what’s going on” Brian said as he waited to see what Justin’s reaction would be.

“Fuck that shit I am not going to see any fucking shrink Brian” Justin was starting to scream. “You know how I feel about talking to them they never helped when my mother took me and they did not help after the bashing” he said. 

“Justin I know that this is hard for you but...” he never finished his sentence Justin was pissed and the demons of heroin withdrawal were starting to rear their ugly heads.

“YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW SHIT” he screamed. He was pulling violently on the straps that tied his hands down. “Everyone thinks they know what the problem is but they don’t I am nothing Brian, damaged goods that’s what my father says. He hates me and he wishes I was dead. Did you know that Brian? Did you know my dad told me that he wished I had died” Justin was screaming as he finally pulled down on the tether that was holding his arm and it came free.

“I just want to get a hit I don’t want to feel ANYTHING do you hear me” he said as he pulled down on his other arm and then he screamed in pain as his shoulder popped out of the socket. He was now in more pain than he could imagine and now he was at a weird angle. “OH GOD” he screamed as Brian called for a doctor.

“Justin please let me help you get back on the bed” Brian said as he went to touch his husband.

“GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME YOU SHIT” Justin screamed. He was going to take his anger out on someone.

Dr. Richards came into the room with two nurses right on his heels. “What’s going on in here, Mr. Taylor please calm down” doctor Richards said as he moved to release Justin’s arm from the tether. “You are not helping anyone with this outburst” Dr. Richards said.

“FUCK YOU” he screamed as his fist made contact with the doctor’s face.

“Nurse would you please call Ron and Jeremy to come help with Mr. Taylor” Dr. Richards said as he tried to hold Justin down as he fought the doctor, Brian and himself, Justin was kicking and punching at anything and anyone.

“Yes Doctor Richards you called for us” Ron said as him and Jeremy, another orderly, came into the room. “Yes could you please hold Mr. Taylor down while I give him a sedative” he said.

“NO, NO,NO,NO,NO...N..Oooo, please don’t please, don’t put me to sleep” Justin begged. He did not want to wake up to anymore surprises. It was too late he could feel the needle prick his skin and as his body started to relax and slip into oblivion he could hear Brian.

“Justin baby, I love you so much and I will be here with you every step of the way whether you always accept me or not” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear.

“I love you too Brian I really do. I am sorry for all the pain” he thought as he slipped further into the dark.

**

Brian stepped into the hall while they repositioned Justin’s arm in the socket. While he was there he was approached by a very attractive woman. Hey he is gay not blind.

“Hello, you must be Mr. Kinney” she said as she extended her hand.

“Yes that would be me and you are...?” he said.

“My name is Dr. James Jonelle” she said.

“I think we should speak a moment about Justin” she said and turned down the hall. She turned back briefly “Privately of course” she said and continued down the hall.

As he followed her he thought “Another private room must be more good fucking news.”

He whipped out his cell phone and dialed Jennifer’s number. She was the only one he could deal with right now. When she answered he was almost scared to speak.

“Hello, Brian is that you?” she asked confused. Oh God I wonder what happened.

“It did not go well, meet me at Allegheny General” he said and closed the phone. He really did not want to see where this was going. But, he loved Justin and he would be there as he promised.


	3. Glass Needles

“So your name is James, that’s very interesting seeing as how you’re a girl” Brian said. He was so fucking nervous he thought that he was going to bite his tongue off. He was so tired of this nightmare already and it had just begun. If not for love he would walk away, like he walked away and left his parents to their own devices.

As he looked around the room he took it in. Dark furniture, very clean cut and classic and the touches of leather that graced the room made it very powerful and imposing. There were numerous degrees and plaques along the walls this impressed Brian and he thought just maybe this woman had something to her. Only time would tell because as far as Brian was concerned actions speak louder than words. Fuck all her degrees if she was worthless as a white crayon in the middle of the snow.

Her voice snapped him back to focus.

“Yeah my parents liked the name they were not concerned with what gender they had they just knew they liked James” she said with a laugh and a smile.

“We’ll that makes sense I guess, go with what you like” Brian said knowing that they would have to acknowledge why they stepped in here. “So, you wanted to discuss Justin doctor” Brian said. He was ready to get past small talk and he wanted to know what could be done for Justin.

“Mr. Kinney I wanted to discuss with you what you think lead up to this point and I also wanted to discuss with you different forms of treatment for Justin. I of course will be discussing all this with him but I wanted to speak with you first while the drugs are leaving his system” she said in a manner that was straight forward and to the point.

“So Mr. Kinney when did you notice there was a problem?”

“About four months ago Justin started going back to PIFA again he was really excited but then in the same block of time his fucking father starts calling him and he was stressed out about damn near everything and to top it all of the guy who bashed him started attending PIFA also” Brian said. For once I didn’t do a fucking thing, except not notice fast enough he couldn’t help but think.

“I understand that the bashing that Justin went through is what left his hand with the limited motor skills, correct?” she asked as she scribbled notes onto her legal pad.

“Yeah he cannot draw and paint like he used to because he cannot grip the instruments for as long with his motor impairment” Brian said. He did not like talking about Justin behind his back.

“And, do you know what the nature of his father’s calls were?” she asks as she looked up.

“No, Justin would never tell me no matter what he said or how many times I asked, but he was always so upset after the calls” Brian added “That’s when I noticed it you know” he said softly.

“Noticed what?” she asked.

“The pills, when his father started calling I began to notice the pill popping. I do not know if he was taking them before but that is when I noticed he would suddenly get a headache and then his hand would hurt or he would just silently slip one into his mouth. I started to notice that the prescription bottles were starting to fill up the trash. The Heroin came later” he said as he got up and started pacing the office. “I never noticed the Heroin until the first time he could not stop itching, I asked him about it and he lied. Justin never lies except when he is hiding something big” Brian said as his thoughts went to Ethan all those years ago.

“Okay Mr. Kinney I think I have all I need right now, I want to speak with Justin then we can all discuss treatment options. I will see him alone and then with you if he permits it. Okay?” she said. “This is not easy and forgive my choice of words but it’s going to be a bitch of a ride.” she said as she went to face Justin.

Oh yeah Brian thought I definitely like her. She is a Bitch with Balls. He smiled glad that Justin was in the hands of someone who did not seem to hold hands and take shit.

After Dr. Jonelle had spoke with Mr. Kinney she knew that to fully understand exactly what has caused the problem she would have to speak with Mr. Taylor. She also knew that Brian seemed to hold a lot of feelings of guilt and after pulling Justin’s file and doing a little research she knew why.

She was eager to speak with and evaluate Justin because she had observed him from the observation window and she believed him to be extremely smart and unlike Dr. Richards she did not think that Justin had attempted to take his own life but she also knew that addicts were dangerous and unpredictable especially when going through withdrawal and she had to be prepared for both. She stilled herself and opened the door.

**

Justin sat on the edge of his hospital bed facing the window. He was in agony and his skin was crawling, and bleeding in places that he had scratched raw. His stomach was clenching, his last meal was days ago and he was nauseas. His thoughts were cloudy and his body was in agony. He felt like shit and all he wanted was drugs to stop the pain and Brian he thought. He wanted Brian so bad but whenever he saw him he flew into a rage that he could not control. His spine stiffened as he heard the door opening.

“Hello Justin I am Dr. James Jonelle” she said as she approached the bed. She walked around the bed and looked at Justin he looked like a little puppy that did not understand what he did wrong and why he was being treated the way he was. She told herself to not be fooled by looks, it could prove deadly. “I thought we could talk for a minute or two” she said as she sat on a stool in from of him.

He looked at her with cold eyes, so blank and listless that she felt a cold chill run through her blood. “I don’t want to fucking talk to you” he said softly.

“Okay so what DO you want?” he must be a negotiator she thought.

“Well for starters I would like for someone to give me some pain meds” he said as his body shook with chills. “Nice try Justin, nice try but how about we try something more realistic please” she replied.

“Can you tell them to take my arms out of these straps?” he said with sarcasm. “I tell you what Justin, you talk to me for a moment and I will see about those straps getting removed, Okay?” she bargained.

“Fine, and then I can go home, I wasn’t trying to kill myself” he stated. “I am old enough that I can leave” he said with a smile. She smiled back sweetly “Not until I evaluate you and not if I have your husband commit you involuntarily” she said with a raised eyebrow and a smile of her own.

You BITCH Justin thought, she must be related to Brian’s side of the family some how.

“Justin do you want to tell me how you ended up in the ICU” she asked.

Justin just stared at her and said nothing, he did not want to talk to her, he did not want to talk to anyone but Brian. He felt sick as he looked at her. He finally took her in and she had the same hazel eyes as Brian. As he looked at her he realized that he had not spoken to Brian in some time and he wondered where he was, he had heard Brian promise to be here and he knew that Brian never broke a promise.

“Justin the sooner you start talking to me the sooner we can figure out a way for you to go home” she was not so sure that this would be possible until after their talk but she was willing to risk it. “So Justin when did you start using the Heroin and taking the Percocet” she asked.

Justin just sat looking at his lap. “Justin did you hear my question?” “Justin?”

“I can hear you I am not deaf you know. I really don’t know, I started taking the Percocet first for my hand and then I stopped I had my prescription closed out and took all the bottles home and put them in the drawer. Then the time just went by I worked at the diner went to PIFA and started Rage he said as his tongue went on without his permission. I stopped PIFA to go to California for a couple of months and when I came back it was business as usual. Brian had opened Kinnetik and it was doing really well, I came back and he wanted me to go back to PIFA I did not want to so he let me take a position in the art department at Kinnetik. I had been working there for about two years when Brian proposed, I was so excited and I said yes immediately.” Justin said. It was so hard to recap your life like it was not you that lived it, looking back he realized that things had happened to him pretty quickly over the past couple of years it was no wonder he was finally losing it.

James was taking notes and trying to make sure she took in all that Justin was saying, he was talking freely and she wanted to make sure that she did not make him close up. “Justin do you want to finish?” she asked carefully.

“Um…okay well, we got married and everything was fine until we started to fight about PIFA again. He wanted me to go back I didn’t want to go eventually we talked about it and the reasons that he had for wanting me to go back were only positive and would benefit me in everyway so I agreed to go back. I started back and that’s when I realized that my hand had gotten use to the computer and I could not perform in a class for an hour or more without it, his voice was starting to take on a temper and the change was not lost on James. “Then Chris FUCKING Hobbs enters the room one day and sits down I could not believe it my heart was in my throat. I refused to tell Brian, I went home and got a drink out the fridge. The drawer that I had put my pills in was open a little so I opened it and took a couple. I felt like I was floating on cloud nine. I never told Brian and I started taking them everyday all day” He said. 

“Why didn’t you tell Brian it seems like you guys have a pretty open and trusting relationship so why keep something so big from him?”

“I just did not want him to worry about me I know he does and I did not want him worrying about me at school too” he stated in a leave it at that tone. She knew not to push, not now so she moved on “So when did the Heroin start?” she asked.

“I started taking Heroin when Brian was out of town on business. It was great all my pain and insecurities were gone I felt nothing, I felt numb my head clouded over and my limbs were heavy and I was in absolute peace. I stopped going to PIFA but I would still leave everyday, I would go out and hang with Cody, this guy I met while trying to score, and we would get high. When I was really strung out I would try to make it back before Brian and be asleep. You know… I think that is when he got suspicious of the Heroin because I never would do that before. I think that he always knew about the pills from the beginning and he even tried to say something a couple of times but I told him some bullshit and he left it alone. I should not have lied, he always knows when I lie,” Justin said softly James was busy writing notes when Justin’s voice entered her ears again this time it was soft and afraid. “Do you think I can see him? I mean that is if he will see me I know I was shitty to him” he said and then he could not help himself. Tears spilled down his face and his body shook with every sob he slumped to the floor and his body convulsed he was crying so hard, all of a sudden he could not hold back and he started to vomit violently, he felt cold and with every heave the bed shook.

James pressed the call button and told the nurse what was going on. Brian who had been sitting in the hall noticed all the commotion around Justin’s room and began to stand.

As the nurses and Dr. Richards entered the room James came out she was a doctor of the mind not the body and did not want to be in the way. “What the fuck is going on in there” Brian asked as he walked up to her. “He was asking for you and then he just lost it, he started crying and then he started to vomit but I am sure he is okay” she said and she meant it. Brian looked up and then he heard his name being called and turned to face Jennifer, was he ever more glad to see a familiar face than at that moment. 

“What’s going on?” Jennifer said as she looked at the woman. Brian was busy trying to see into the room. 

“Justin started crying and then vomiting violently” James stated. This must be Justin’s mother they look like carbon copies of each other. 

“Oh god, what’s going on?” she asked. 

“I think that maybe you should speak to Brian about that” she said as she turned to Brian “I am going to go look over what I spoke to Justin about and then I will be back” she said as she places a hand on Brian’s arm not sexual just supportive and she was off to her office.

“Brian what is going on?” Jennifer asked she was confused.

Brian led her over to a chair and sat her down. “Jen it seems that Justin has been taking Prescription pain killers and…Heroin” he sat back and waited for her to sink it all in. “WHAT…she quieted down What, are you fucking kidding me?” 

Brian could not help but smirk whoa, bringing out the big boy words tonight. He just spoke with Dr. Jonelle and when she evaluates him and we all speak then we can figure out the best course of treatment for him.” He just hoped that Justin would be able to bounce back.

**

“Justin, Justin you have to calm down okay, calm down and take a deep breath you are only making it worse with your high anxiety so try to breathe okay” Dr. Richards said.

Justin was still shaking on the floor of his room the nurse had released his arms and he was now curled in a fetal position shaking like a leaf and crying his eyes out, he was in so much pain and he just wanted it to go away. He tried to focus on the doctor’s voice and calm his breathing. He couldn’t calm down he was to worked up. 

“Brian, Brian, please get him, please” Justin choked out between sobs and breaths. 

“Justin I don’t know if that is such a good idea right now” Dr. Richards said. He was not trying to be cruel he just did not want a repeat of yesterday.   
“I WANT…MY GODDAMN HUSBAND, right FUCKING NOWWWWWWW” Justin said with a hard earned clear breath. “Please get him” he said more softly and with mercy in his voice. 

“Okay Justin I will get him for you” he said and left the room.”

**

“What the hell is all the yelling about?” Brian said as Dr. Richards came out the room.

“He wants to see you, he made that much clear, which, I am sure you heard. He is on the verge of a panic attack and I cannot get him to calm down he just keeps asking for you” Dr. Richards said. Those two really love each other he may be the key to getting him through this addiction he thought at least he hoped.

**

Brian pushed the door open and Justin was nowhere in sight but his breathing and sobs could be heard from the door he closed it behind him and walked in. Brian walked around the bed and without speaking picked his husband up off the floor and sat back on the bed with him as he held Justin in his arms close to his chest he whispered in his ear “Breathe baby slow and steady, Breathe you can do it, Breathe with me, your hearts rhythm matching mine. We are one person remember when you told me that, when one of us hurts we both hurt. You are the other half of me I won’t lose you to this so breathe” Brian said softly.

Justin began to slow down his breathing and he felt the warmth of the body behind his and the familiar smell of Brian everything came into focus and he knew again where he was. He turned his body a little so that he could see Brian and when he did he saw that his eyes were filled with compassion, not guilt or blame or pity but just love and tenderness. He wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck as Brian’s arms snaked around his waist. Tears threatened to send him into another crying fit. 

“I am so sorry Brian” he sobbed again “I am sorry I lied and sorry that I was doing it in the first place you must be so disappointed” he said as he buried his head in Brian’s chest.

Brian pulled Justin’s head up to look him straight in the eyes “For all the things you do I could never be disappointed in you. We will get through this together because your breathing controls mine and I am not ready to stop living yet so you cannot be ready to die” he said. He was serious he knew he could not go on without Justin. “Plus I don’t have time to train another fuck buddy,” he said to lighten the mood.

He was rewarded with the first genuine smile he had seen from Justin in a long time. He bent down and captured his lips in a soul-gripping kiss. He hoped this was a sign that things were looking up.


	4. Glass Needles

I would like to thank C for all her help on fixing the end of this chapter, your the best. Thank you to the rest of my crazy friends for keeping me inspired.

Justin had drifted off into a restless sleep while he was wrapped in the safety of Brian’s arms. Brian was sitting there thinking of how much their lives were going to change when Dr. Jonelle came in.

“Hello Mr. Kinney” she says softly not wanting to wake Justin “Has he eaten anything yet?” she asked as she noticed the food tray that was not touched.

“No he says that he is not hungry and that he just wants to sleep” Brian said. Justin started to move and Brian ran circles on his back to quiet him back to sleep. “Why don’t we go outside and talk for a moment” she said and held the door for Brian.

Once outside Dr. Jonelle looked at Brian and wondered if he would have the strength to care for Justin alone. Something told her he would do anything to try.

“Brian I feel that because Justin has been using drugs for such a short time that he can be placed on cold turkey withdrawal. I don’t want him to become dependant on another drug. You have to understand that it is going to be very hard for him and for you. I need you to be honest with me and tell me if you cannot handle this. If you can’t I can recommend that Justin be placed in a rehab center” she said.

Brian was silent for a moment as he thought it over and wondered if he could do it. He walked away from James and looked into Justin’s observation window. He knew that he would have to push past his insecurities and think of what was best for Justin.

“I’ll take him home, he will be better off with me then in a hospital.” Brian said.

“Brian you know that…

“I can always put him in a rehab center if it doesn’t work out. Yeah, I know” Brian answered he just hoped it did not come to that.

“We need to discuss the withdrawal symptoms that you can expect to see” she said as they walked down to her office.

Two hours later Brian emerged from Dr. Jonelle’s office. He never knew there would be such a big outcome from such a small time of usage. Nausea and vomiting, collapsed veins, infections, and so much more. Life was not only going to change it was going to get a hell of a lot more interesting. Brian was off to the loft to make sure all the drugs were out of the house. In a couple of hours Justin could go home.

**

Justin walked through the loft door expecting it to look completely different but it was exactly the same. Someone, probably the cleaning lady, had cleaned up the mess and glass that was everywhere. His stomach was doing flip flops and he was shaking like crazy. He was brought out of his reverie by Brian’s voice.

“Justin, did you hear me?” Brian asked again.

“Huh…What did you say?” Justin was so wrapped up in his own pain filled world that he had not heard Brian 

“I said do you want to eat something” he repeats. Brian looks at Justin and he can see the shaking getting worse.

“No, I’m not hungry” Justin said softly as chills began to rack his body. He felt nauseas and he was itching like crazy. 

“Justin you haven’t eaten anything in I don’t know how long” I just need him to eat even if he throws it up; he is so thin it’s scary.

“I said I’m NOT hungry” Justin repeated through clenched teeth and stomped into the bathroom slamming the door before Brian could object. Brian sat down to call Jennifer and let her know they were home. He had told the family to give them a few days alone right now.

**

Justin locked the door and threw his jacket on the floor. He looked in the mirror and did not see himself. He was so small and pale that the bones and veins could be see through his skin, his hair was a mess and the bruises from the needles and his own thrashing plus the scratch marks from the itching. He looked like he had leprosy. “How the fuck did I get this bad?” he asked himself. He flung the medicine cabinet open and found…nothing. Brian had removed every pill in the house. He turned on the water and ran it over his face several times before he stood and slid down the wall. He was hyperventilating, he had to calm down. “Justin just breathe you can do it be calm” he told himself “You are stronger than this” he told himself.

“You are weak” a voice said. He could have sworn it was his own.

Brian was getting worried Justin had been in the bathroom for an hour. He knew that the blonde was probably fighting his demons “Justin. JUSTIN are you okay?” Brian said as he banged on the door.

Getting his breathing under control he answered “Yeah…I..I will be right out.” 

“Get a fucking grip you stupid shit” the voice said again. 

“Oh my god I am going crazy” Justin said out loud.

When Justin came out of the bathroom it was dark outside Brian was at his computer working. “It’s dark. It wasn’t dark when I went in the bathroom.

“You were in there for 3 hours sunshine.” There was nothing in the bathroom so I let you stay Brian thought.

“Hungry?” God please eat something.

“No I am going to bed” Justin said as he scratched. He stripped his clothes off and got in bed.

This isn’t to bad Brian thought. He had no idea that it had only just begun. At 4 o’clock in the morning Brian awoke to the sound of the loft door being unlocked. He bolted upright and looked to Justin’s empty side of the bed. He jumped up and ran for the door pulling Justin back with one arm. “Where do you think your going sunshine?” Brian said as if all was normal. 

“I just need to go get something Brian” he said as he tried to pull away from Brian’s grip.

“Get what at four in the morning?” Brian asked. He pulled the door closed and picked Justin up. 

“Put me down asshole” Justin said as he pulled at Brian’s arms and kicked his legs. 

Brian put Justin in the bedroom and he bolted again, headed for the door and Brian tackled him. “Ow… stop it Brian stop, STOP” Justin said as Brian picked him up and put him in the bathroom and held the door closed. “I just need to go out Brian, just a little something please” he begged and then it went silent. As Brian was about to open to door to see if Justin was calm he heard objects being thrown at the door and then fist hitting the wall and door. “YOU DON”T LOVE ME, IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULD LET ME OUT” he yelled. 

“I do love you Sunshine that is why I won’t let you out” he whispered.

Justin had been occupying the space by the toilet the entire night while Brian slept on the other side of the door holding him in. Justin’s body was shaking from the withdrawal. He was nauseas and spent most of the night having dry heaves because of his refusal to eat. When he finally drifted off he was in a fitful sleep and about two hours later when he woke up and all he wanted to do was die. He once again heard the demons inside his head and he knew the only way he could make them go away was to make the pain stop. He reached into the medicine cabinet, pulled out Brian’s container of razor blades, and took one out. He looked at it for a moment before cutting the flesh on his thigh. The cutting made the pain go away and he thought that maybe this way would be much safer than the drugs.

“Brian” he whispered “Brian” he said again loud enough for Brian to hear him. “Yes Sunshine he said through the door all he wanted to do was hold him. “I am hungry.” 

Brian was so happy he had wanted Justin to eat for a long time. He put his hand down on the floor to give some leverage and pulled himself off the floor. He opened the door slowly and as he got up. He opened the door, reached out, and wrapped Justin in his arms. They had made it through the first night of withdrawals and he knew they had a long way to go, but when he saw blood stains on Justin’s cargos he knew that Justin’s healing process was only just beginning.


	5. Glass Needles

*Brian’s POV*

 

“Justin, what the fuck did you do to your leg?”

“What are you talking about Brian I don’t feel anything” he says. “What do you mean you don’t feel anything, there is blood running down your leg. I can see it bleeding through your pants, what did you do?” I ask him. 

He looks down as if he realizes for the first time that he is bleeding. “Oh…I umm, I” he stutters. He doesn’t know what to say and I am at a loss as to what to do. The doctor said that it was going to get bad but I don’t know if I can handle this.

“Sit down Justin and pull your pants down” I say as I step back to get a clear view of the damage he has caused. He doesn’t move. 

“Sit down Justin, and pull your pants down” I say again more firmly. He begins to pull down his pants and I see that the damage is not too bad. I open the first aid box and get out some hydrogen peroxide and a bandage. I cleaned him up and got him something to eat which he refused.

An hour later he was sleeping on the bed and I am exhausted. I am afraid to sleep because Justin can get out of here. “What the hell am I going to do about work” I ask myself. I can’t stay home forever. I pick up the phone and dial a familiar number. 

“Hey Mikey can you come over I have a bit of a dilemma” I tell him. “Sure Brian I can be there in a few minutes,” “Thanks Mikey, just come right up when you get here” I tell him as I hang up the phone to wait.

An hour later Michael gets here and I just look at him. “A few minutes Mikey, a few minutes is not an hour” I tell him.

“Fuck you asshole, I had to serve the last customers and close the store. What the hell was so important?”

“I have to go to work tomorrow and I have no idea what to do with Justin” I tell him in a hushed voice so as not to wake the blonde.

“Can’t you just skip out on work until he is feeling better I mean you do own the company.” “I can’t, I have a very important meeting scheduled with the Firestone people and I cannot move it. I have been working on landing this deal for weeks.”

“Well you could always leave him here by himself” he says and shrugs his shoulders. I wonder sometimes how the hell he can be so smart and stupid at the same time. It amazes me, the dumb shit that flies out his mouth. 

“I can’t leave him here Mikey; he can just walk out the fucking door. Do you KNOW how hard it’s been to keep him in here” I tell him and run a hand over my face.

“You can get one of those sliding door exterior locking devices like they use in office buildings” he tells me and I am actually listening to him now. “What are you talking about?” 

“There is a device that will lock a sliding door, you can put it on the outside of the loft and lock him in from the outside. He should not be able to get out” he tells me. 

“Where can I get one?”

**

*Justin’s POV*

 

“Brian, Brian please I just need to stop the pain.”

“BRIan, Brian, BRIAN” 

“BRIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN, why are you doing this to me?” he screams.

Justin has been awake and screaming for about forty-five minutes. I am sleep deprived and starving and trying my best to ignore him since talking to him seems to make it worse. I am also trying so hard to maintain my anger level.

“Justin would you please stop yelling, I am sitting right here and I can hear you” I tell him as I work on one of my ad campaigns and wait for the locksmith to come and install the lock. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the door. Justin stops yelling and stares. He has not eaten since this morning and is now deathly thin; he is shaking and has scratch marks all over his body. He is also now paranoid and jumpy. 

“Who is that Brian?” he asks as he jumps up and stands next to me

“Umm it’s just a guy who is gonna do some work for me” I tell him. I go to open the door and unknowingly stand face to face with Cody. I do not see the looks that exchange between the two of them. “Hey Mr. Kinney, I umm am here to put the lock on the door that you ordered. I just wanted to let you know that I was out here doing the work so you would not be surprised at the noise.”

“Thanks, let me know when you are done” I tell him closing the door. “Justin, do you want something to eat?” I ask him but he has not moved from standing in front of the door. He is just staring. “Justin, Justin” I try again.

“WHAT, DAMNIT” he screams. “I need to get out of here, I need to Brian, please” he begs. “Justin, I cannot let you out, in a couple of days you will feel a little better and your sessions with James will start.”  
“I told you I did not want to go see her” he tells me. “You don’t have a choice Justin if you don’t go I will have to make you go.”

The loft door slides open and Cody steps in before Justin can reply. “Mr. Kinney I am finish with the lock would you like to try it out. I can wait while you go out and try it.” 

“Yeah, where is the key?” He hands me the key and I leave him in the loft while I go out to check the lock and make sure it works.

**

Cody and Justin Exchange POV’s

 

“Justin what the fuck is going on? I was wondering what happened to you man, I missed you. You look like you got some pretty bad shakes going on there” he says with a laugh.

“Shut up Cody, what the hell is the deal with the lock on the door” I ask him as I try to get my hands to stop shaking.

“Your boyfriend…” he starts. “He is not my boyfriend he is my husband” I correct him as I scratch at my arms and neck. “Yeah whatever, your ‘HUSBAND’ plans to lock you in here while he goes to work tomorrow” he tells me.

“What are you talking about, he would not do that to me he loves me. He wants me to get better” I tell him. “You really believe that shit, if he loved you so much he would not make you suffer in pain. Here, I am gonna leave you my cell number, when he leaves tomorrow give me a call and I will come over and let you out with the master key. We can go down to Ray’s and score, we’ll be back before he gets home. I know you want those cramps to go away. Come on Jus, come on.” 

Maybe he is right if Brian really loved me then he would not make me suffer. “Okay, give me the number” he writes it down and hands it to me. “Call first thing in the morning and then we will have all day to get high” he tells me. I take the piece of paper with the number on it and put in my pocket just as Brian comes back in.

“Seems secure to me” he says as he signs the paperwork. 

Cody disappears out the door but not before catching my gaze in his and giving me a small smile. I smile back knowing that all I have to do it get through one more night.


	6. Glass Needles

Justin’s POV

 

I am sitting on the bed rocking back and forth as I watch Brian move around getting ready for work. I am itching all over and my stomach is in knots, the cramps are almost too much to take. I am so skinny now that my bones are clearly visible and my clothes are falling off. Brian is really trying and I know I am not making it easy. He is leaving me here alone today and I know he is having second thoughts about it. Who can blame him I am a junkie with a heroin habit who cuts himself when all else fails. I woke up this morning to find my ankle securely fastened to the bed frame. 

 

“Brian could you please take this off I have to go to the bathroom” I tell him. 

 

“Don’t try it Sunshine that chain is long enough for you to get to the bathroom and down to the kitchen. You can go anywhere that you need to the only thing it’s not long enough to do is reach the front door” he tells me. I start to cry as I scratch my arms. 

 

“Brian, PLEASE don’t leave me like this, I will call the police I swear I will” I tell him. He stops and looks at me. He walks over calmly and sits on the bed.

 

“Justin I love you and I know that somewhere in there you are the same old Justin that I know and love, losing your art should not leave you like this. You were so much more than art, you were alive and caring and smart, funny” he tells me and instead of being happy that Brian has noticed these things about me I have never felt more pissed. I don’t want to hear all that I just want some drugs. Something to dull the pain and before I can stop myself I spit in his face.

 

“Okay Justin on that note I am going to work. Oh and by the way I blocked all outgoing calls” he says as he leaves the loft and I hear him slide that stupid ass lock into place.

 

A couple of hours later I am curled up in a fetal position when I hear the loft door being opened. I have laid here cold and shaking. I am always cold nothing seems to help and I just want to die. I wait for whoever it is to come up to the bedroom. ‘Brian must have come home on his lunch break’ is all I have the energy to think. But that thought is quickly banished from my mind as I see the cargo pants and tennis shoes that have not seen a wash in days make their way up the steps.

 

“Well look at you J. Your husband ain’t jokin’ bout you staying in here” I hear Cody say.

 

“Fuck Cody, take this fucking lock off my ankle” I say through trembling lips. 

 

“Humm…lucky for you I am a locksmith… and a petty thief. I can pick anything” he tells me as he sets to work on the chain. Less than three minutes later I am free and grabbing my shoes and my jacket. I have emptied the jar where Brian keeps all his emergency cash. I could care less about loyalty and lying and love right now, all I want is a fix. I slide the loft door close as Cody puts the lock back on.

 

“You sure we’ll be back before Brian gets here” I ask him.

 

“Relax baby, we’ll be back long before he even knows we were ever gone” he says as we race down the steps and out the building to meet our favorite supplier.

 

**

Twelve Hours Later…

 

“Hey Justin wake up, wake up man” I hear Cody say through a foggy haze. “Man you have been fucked up for hours, I was about to leave you here and call the ambulance” he says. “Well I did leave you for a minute but I came back, I think” he says as he falls over laughing at his own joke. He is still flying high also and I don’t even know where we are.

 

“Where are we?” I say as I try to get up before falling back onto the ground “And where are my clothes?” I say as I laugh, my brain is so clouded that I don’t notice the freshly fucked feeling that is flowing through my body. 

 

“Who knows man, you were naked when I got here. HEY maybe you were naked when we left the house” he says and before I know it we are both laughing as Cody fixes up another shot and we both bask in the glory as the drug courses through our bodies.

 

**

Brian’s POV

Meanwhile at the police station…

 

“What the fuck do you mean you cannot issue an alert until he has been missing for 48 hours. In two fucking days he could be dead. I am telling you that he has a fucking drug problem and I need to find him right away” I tell the cop at the front desk, a fucking peon and I am forced to deal with him first. 

 

“Sir a person has to be missing for at least two days before a report can be filed” he tells me.

 

I am getting so agitated. I came home from work to find Justin and all the emergency money gone but the lock was still in place. The only other person who could have a key is that goddamn locksmith, I should have seen it. I noticed the looks that they gave each other and I should have known.

 

“So what the hell am I supposed to fucking do? Sit around doing nothing for two days so that I can come back here and you can tell me to fill out some paperwork that is going to take two days to process and file just so you can look for him and tell me you found his body” I tell him, I am way past the point of being pissed. “That is BULLSHIT” I yell.

 

“Mr. Kinney I am sorry but that is the law and that is all we can do. You can always set out and look for him at some of his favorite spots” he tells me. 

 

I storm out of the building and head to my car. I am so happy that I got rid of that corvette. This SUV is so much better in the snow. I wonder what Justin is wearing it’s snowing out here and its freezing. God I am so worried about him. I should never have left him there alone. I do the only thing I can do I bite the bullet and call Jennifer.

 

After the fourth ring I am about to hang up when I hear her answer the phone “Hello” she says so sweetly and I am almost sorry that I have to break that happiness.

 

“Hey Jen… its Brian.” I say.

 

“Oh hello Brain, wait, you never call me what’s wrong?” she says suddenly in full mother mode.

 

“Justin is missing. I came home from work and he was gone, I have no idea where he is or even if he is still alive” I say.

 

“Oh God,umm…okay I will be at your loft in about twenty minutes why don’t you call the family and we can form a search party” she says. I am too worried to think I just quietly say okay and hang up the phone. As I pull into a parking space I start calling people and by the time I get up to the loft I have called everyone.

 

**

“Could you all just shut the fuck up” I shout.

 

“But Brian why didn’t you tell us that Justin had a problem, we all would have been more than willing to help look after him you don’t have to shoulder every problem on your own” Debbie tells me. I look at her and I know she is right.

 

“We can discuss my way of handling this later right now we need to find Justin” I say and before I can say another word Hunter jumps in.

 

“We don’t have to go on a fucking search and rescue for little boy lost. If he is dating Ms. Heroin then he would want it pure and there is only one place around here that you can get grade A Heroin” he says with a smile.

 

“Where you little shit I don’t have time for this crap” I tell him as I walk over to stand directly in his face. 

 

He let loose that stupid ass grin and said “The alley between Terrance and McCullin Streets. Great spot to fuck and a great place to score grade A premium cut heroin.”

 

I pick up my jacket and before anyone can follow me I am out the door. Damn I guess it pays to have a former hustler as part of the family. I get to the car and right before I pull off I see Mikey running out the front door and hoping into my passenger seat. “Just where in the hell do you think your going” I ask him.

 

“I am going with you, you don’t know what kind of state he is in and you may need help. I told the rest of them to stay put, I know that Justin would not want people to see him this way and I know that’s why you kept us away” he tells me. I am so glad that I don’t have to explain everything about my motivation to Michael. I pull away from the curb and we start toward the other side of town.

 

**

Justin’s POV

 

God I am so cold but I can’t move. I can feel the snow as it hits my body and even though I am in Pittsburgh I hear nothing. It is as if I am lying in the middle of the desert on a night with few stars. I don’t feel anything except the snow, no cold no nothing and yet I am vaguely aware that I am shaking and I am also aware that I am alone.

 

I am lying on the ground toward the opening of an alley and I can hear car doors opening and closing and voices coming nearer but it does not seem real. “Ridiculously Romantic” I whisper as I slip back into oblivion.

 

**

Brian’s POV

 

“SHIT Brian stop, stop the car” I hear Michael yell.

 

“Damn Mikey, don’t scream like that. What is it?” I say as I look at him” he pushes my head to look the other way and I can vaguely see something on the ground sticking out from the other side of a dumpster. “It can’t be Justin” I say to him.

 

“I think we should go look I mean it’s pretty close to T and M Streets” he says. 

 

I make a quick U-turn and park the car in the opening of the alleyway and I notice that there really aren’t any people around. I walk closer and am just in time to hear Justin mutter ‘Ridiculously Romantic’ before his eyes roll back into his head. I cannot get over to him fast enough. I notice that he is naked and try to push all thoughts aside as I take off my Jacket and wrap it around his body and as I pick him up off the ground I notice the small gathering of blood beneath him and all the thoughts that I tried to suppress came back with a vengeance. His body is freezing and he is a sick shade of blue, I gather him firmly in my arms and start toward the car.

 

“Get in the car and get us to the hospital quick” I shout to Mikey and he quickly does as I say as I slide into the backseat with Justin’s small weak frame in my arms. He is so cold and blue and as I place my hand on his chest I notice that his heart is barely beating.

 

“You’re not giving up yet Sunshine” I whisper in his ear.

 

**

The Loft…

 

“That was Michael he said that they found Justin right about where Hunter said to look. He says that they are back there in the emergency room and that Justin is unconscious and for us just to stay here until he called again” Ben told the group after hanging up from Michael’s call. “I think that is the best thing to do we would only cause them more stress, we should at least let Brian tell us when it’s okay to come over. We don’t want to cause more harm than good” he added.

 

“Yeah I know, but it’s not so easy to just wait when it’s your baby” Jennifer said to no one in particular.

 

Ben sat next to her and gave her a hug “I know it’s not easy, but right now they have all they need. Justin has his husband and Brian has his best friend, we can wait” he said.

 

**

Brian’s POV

 

Back at the hospital…

 

“Can we get a gurney over here” the doctor yelled. The nurse brought over a gurney and I lay Justin down, he was now very pale and blue. His eyes were closed and his breathing very shallow. The doctor was looking into his eyes with a flashlight. 

 

“His pupils are fixed and dilated, looks like a drug overdose” he said to the nurse “Go get doctor Morris, hurry” he told her and she took off to page the other doctor.

 

As the doctor and the other nurses wheeled Justin away he shouted back “Do you know what he took?” he asked.

 

“I know he has a heroin problem so I assume that’s what it was” I tell him.

 

The emergency room doors closed behind the doctor and I have never felt emptier than I do at this moment knowing that there is nothing that I can do but wait. I turn around and walk back to the emergency room lobby to get Mikey, a nurse told me I could wait in the family waiting area. When I push through the doors I see Mikey standing there and I can’t fight the tears that start to form. I walk over to him and he wraps his arms around me.

 

**

Michael’s POV

 

I see Brian come back through the doors and I wonder if he even knows what he looks like. His jeans are covered in blood and as he walks toward me he starts crying. I wrap my arms around him and he lets go into my shoulder.

 

“I shouldn’t have left him. I should have stayed” he says through the tears.

 

“Brian you did what you thought was best at the time” I tell him. He nods his head as he wipes the tears from his face but I am not so sure he is convinced that he did the right thing. 

 

“The nurse said that we could wait for news in the family waiting area” he says as he leads us through the emergency room doors and into a smaller more intimate waiting room.

 

** 

An hour later there has still been no word about Justin except for the occasional nurse saying that they are working on him and that the doctor would be out soon. Brian has been silent for a while as he just stares ahead at nothing.

 

“You know I never thought that after all this time we would be sitting here together wondering if Justin was going to live or die” he says finally breaking his self imposed silence. He looks over at me as a tear falls and smiles, it was small and pained but it was a smile.

 

“What did you tell me when Ben was sick, that I was strong for the both of us” I say to him “Well now I am telling you. You are strong enough for you and Justin.”

 

He nods his head and stares back at the wall in front of him. Just then the doctor who took Justin back came in “Are you the spouse of Mr. Taylor-Kinney?” he asks as he looks from me to Brian.

 

**

Brian’s POV

 

“I am Mr. Taylor’s husband” I say as I stand to talk to the doctor.

 

“I’m Dr. Collastin and I am the doctor who treated Justin” he tells me. I am so fucking nervous that my legs are barely supporting my weight.

 

“How is he?”


	7. Glass Needles

Brian’s POV

 

I sit and wait for the doctor to take the mandatory pause that they must teach in medical school, I can just imagine ‘Page 2, when delivering fucked up news take a long ass pause until desired effect is achieved’ I think to myself.

“How the fuck is he?” I ask again unable to contain myself growing frustration.

“Mr. Kinney your husband has had what appears to be a drug overdose” he said and I felt myself grow a little more steady I had expected as much but the look on the doctors face tells me that there is more news. “He also appears to have been sexually assaulted; he was also in a state of severe hypothermia. We pumped his stomach and we have placed him in a warming chamber, we have also repaired the damage to his rectum and are treating him with antibiotics” the doctor explained and it took all my will power to keep myself breathing. How did things get so bad so fast?

“Can I see him?” 

“Right now he is still unconscious and we cannot permit you into the warming chamber, your husband must be monitored closely because people with hypothermia are at an increased risk for heart attack due to the delicate nature of a cold heart. I have to go back in to monitor his progress. Someone will keep you updated as to his condition” he told me before returning through the door like some bad news phantom.

I watch the doctor walk away and I honestly don’t feel anymore reassured or informed about what the fuck is going on. 

‘Heart Attack, cold heart, assaulted…no, sexually assaulted’ I can feel these thought swimming in my mind and then I feel my body losing the fight with gravity.

**  
Michael’s POV

“Holy Shit Brian, it’s okay. I’ve got you” I tell him as I jump up to grab on to him before he hits the floor. I saw him standing there and I thought that he would take the news and respond in the normal Kinney way by sucking up his feelings and putting on his best poker face but he didn’t. 

“Brian its okay, Justin is going to be alright. He has never backed down from anything before” I tell him. I sit next to him after placing him back in the chair and he is silent again, that complete and utter silence it’s worse than when he is being a prick. I go to say something just as Brian opens his mouth.

“He was raped” was all he said and I saw the tears fall from his eyes and land on the floor “He was raped” he said again with a voice barely above a whisper and before I could get the trash can he started to empty the contents of his stomach violently.

“Oh God Mikey, I thought I could handle this alone but I can’t...” he says through gasping breaths as another violent burst of vomit is released. 

“Hey can I get a nurse in here” I yell into the waiting room intercom.

“I’m okay I don’t need a nurse” he tells me like I would believe it for a minute. 

“Oh yeah like I believe that shit.”

A nurse and a male one at that came into the room with a container and a wet cloth. He called housekeeping and the janitor came up to clean the floor and re-sanitize. He handed Brian a bottle of water and asked him if he wanted something to calm his stomach and for the first time Brian said no, the look on my face must have told him that I could not believe he turned down drugs. 

“I want my head to be clear for this” he tells me and we continue to wait in silence.

**  
The Loft…

Jennifer hung up the phone and turned to all the members of the family and told them that Justin was still unconscious and being treated for severe hypothermia as well as being given antibiotics but Michael did not tell her why and she did not think to ask. 

“I wonder how Brian is taking it” Emmett said.

“He is either raving mad or eerily silent” Melanie offered. 

“What makes you think that?” Ted asked.

“Well if something happened to someone that I love and care about that is how I would feel” she said. She was not going to admit that she was a lot like Brian and that is how she knows what he is most likely feeling. She would be so confused between being pissed and silent. Pissed at the person because they started drugging and then silent because on some level she would feel responsible.

“At least Michael is there to stay with him” Lindsay said. 

They all became silent once again as they each fell into different levels of sleep.

**

It’s been five hours since Justin was admitted and they finally have him in a room. He spent three hours in the warming chamber and then it took another hour for him to finally be stable enough for Brian to see him. They placed him in a heated room to keep his temperature levels regulated. He was now slowly regaining some form of clarity and was experiencing the effects of severe hypothermia along with the eventual effects that would accompany his heroin withdrawal, at the moment he was medicated for pain because the doctor did not want to put the stress of a withdrawing body on his heart until he was more stable. He was not aware enough to be told of his condition and fully understand. 

When the doctor came in to tell Brian that he could see Justin Michael took it as an opportunity to get a bathroom break and to call the family. He came back from the phone call to find that Brian had already gone in so he sat down to wait for his best friend.

**  
Justin’s POV

I can vaguely see the outline of a person against the small amount of light that I can see. I feel like my head is filled with lead and if I try hard enough I feel like I can almost move my body.

I open my mouth a few times and nothing comes out at least I think nothing came out, the whole thing feels like cotton. My vision is a little more focused and I realize that I don’t recognize this room and it is so bright in here. I can feel myself panicking ‘OH GOD I’M DEAD’ is all that’s going through my mind and before I can stop myself I start to panic, I regain the use of my arms and I am pulling at the sheets before I feel arms tighten around me.

“Justin, Justin its okay your okay” the voice tells me but I don’t believe it.

“NO, I’m DEAD” I scream as I try to get the arms off me. 

“BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN” I start to scream. Where is he, he promised me, promised me that he would be here. ‘Where is here? You stupid shit, you don’t even know WHERE YOU ARE’ I hear a voice inside my head tell me.

“Baby I’m right here. CAN I GET SOME HELP IN HERE” Brian screams.

“Justin baby I’m right here I told you I would never leave you” he says as he tries to hold on to Justin’s thrashing body. When he didn’t think he could hold him anymore Dr. Collastin and Dr. Morris entered the room along with that same male nurse. Brian moved out the way into a corner to allow them to work. He was unaware that his hands were shaking.

All of a sudden my vision is very clear and I see three more people enter the room. One is a man who sticks something in my arm and the other men keep checking my heart and pressing on my arm, why? I feel my body start to relax and I don’t want to go to sleep ‘I just woke up you stupid dickhead’ is all I think as my body relaxes. I realize that I am still very much awake but relaxed.

“Brian he is stable again right now, you can talk to him we just gave him a little muscle relaxer so he should be able to respond to you or at the very least listen” I hear the doctor tell Brian. I had not even realized he was here till now.

**  
Brian’s POV

“Thanks” I tell the doctors as I focus my attention back on Justin. I turn toward the bed and he is laying there looking so small and shaking a little but the doctors said he would do that for a while. I walk over and sit next to him taking his hand in mine.

“Do you think you can talk Justin?” I ask him. He just looks at me and for a moment I think that he can’t speak.  
“Water” he says in a raspy whisper. I pour him some water and help him drink a little.

“Hey, you scared the shit out of me you know. I came home and you were gone” I tell him. He has unshed tears in his eyes as he looks at me.

“I’m sorry that I am making your life so difficult” he says in a whisper as the tears finally fall.

“Oh baby you aren’t making it difficult, really fucking interesting maybe but not difficult” I say as I kiss him on the forehead.

“Justin, the doctor says that you are too weak to know what happened to you tonight but I know you and I say that’s bullshit. He doesn’t want me to tell you what happened or how I found you but I am asking you. Do you want to know?” I say and wait for him to answer.

He seems to really think about if he wants to know, finally he turns his head toward me and softly says tell him everything.

I proceed to tell him how I found him with him filling in the blanks as to how he got out and across town. As he tells his story I think it is finally starting to sink in that his problem is way out of control. I don’t tell him everything I can barely comprehend it myself.

We just sit in the silence holding each other and just when I thought he was drifting off to sleep he spoke again. He had his eyes closed and I knew he did not want to ask his question.

“Brian, I understand that you found me in an alley but that doesn’t explain why I was slowly freezing to death or why I feel like I have something up my ass. What aren’t you telling me?” he asks and I can’t tell him.

“Justin we don’t have to talk about everything right now, why don’t you get some rest” I tell him and I am so glad his eyes are closed. Well at least they were closed, when I said that his eyes snapped open.

“Brian don’t do this to me I have always counted on you to tell me the facts, don’t sugarcoat shit with me just fucking tell me what happened” he says as he tries in vain to sit up in the bed. I reach over and adjust the bed so that he is propped just a little. I take his hand in mine and look him in the eyes.

“When we found you, you were on the ground alone behind a dumpster with no clothes on” I tell him as he looks away from me and stares at the wall, tears silently falling down his face.

“What else?”

“You were lying in blood; I picked you up and carried you to the car. Michael drove us to the hospital and the doctors stitched up the damaged area and are pumping antibiotics into your system right now and the rest I already told you” I tell him and he is now crying so hard I can barely hold him.

“Don’t fucking touch me I am so dirty, OH GOD I need to get up, I need to take a shower” he says as he begins to move rapidly. The effects of the muscle relaxer are now gone and he can move freely. 

“Justin you are not dirty, you are beautiful and I am not going anywhere” I tell him as I hold onto him. I really don’t want to call the doctor again. “You are going to be fine we are gonna get through this together.” He starts to rock and I feel so helpless, I crawl up on the bed and embrace him fully. He turns into me and buries his face in my chest. ‘Fuck I am glad I am not wearing silk’ runs through the back of my mind.

“Brian I think I need to get some help. I cannot do this with just you” he tells me.

“I think that’s the smartest thing I have ever heard you say” I tell him and for a brief second he smiles and I have just the right someone in mind.

**  
Michael’s POV

I heard Justin crying and approached the door; I cracked it just a little and when I saw them both together and heard Justin say he needed help I knew I could go. I left word at the nurse’s station to tell Brian that I had gone home to give him privacy but if he needed me to call. I called a cab and left the hospital.

**  
Brian’s POV

Two days later and I am on my way to see Justin when I am stopped in the hall by Dr. Morris. “Mr. Kinney I am afraid we are having a bit of a resistance problem with Justin. He refuses to eat, he has not eaten since he has been here and judging from the look of him he wasn’t eating at home either” he tells me.

“Dr. Morris, Justin has not eaten in a while” I say.

“Mr. Kinney we have noticed and Justin’s psychologist has informed us that she too has noticed that Justin pays more attention to what you say than anyone else. We need you to see if you can get him to eat” he tells me. ‘I know what Justin will eat’ I think to myself.

“I can only try Doc.”

I enter Justin’s room and he is in there with James, I called her when Justin said he knew that he needed help. I figured Justin needed someone who did not make everything seem instantly fixable and who could put up with bullshit. She is me without a dick. Justin is sitting on his bed with his legs tucked to his chest and his arms wrapped around them rocking back and forth.

“Good morning James” I greet her. Formal names were forgotten the minute we realized we would be spending a lot of time together.

“Good morning Sunshine” I say to Justin who looks like he is having anything but a good morning.

“What’s wrong with Sunshine today?” I ask as I sit next to the bed in the hospital chair.

“James won’t fucking let me draw all I want is a fucking sketch pad” he says with all the anger present in his voice. The hypothermia effects were now under control and now we were dealing with the heroin. Once the blood results were back for all the testing and he was more healed in his rectum the doctor was going to release him and we still had not decided what was better, a nurse or a facility. I know it will be a nurse.

“You can draw Justin, as soon as you eat some food” she tells him. He stares at her and I just look at my husband as the food goes flying across the room tray and all.

“I DON”T WANT THIS SHIT” he screams and throws the juice.

“Justin if you don’t stop this they will put you back in your restraints and put a tube through your nose and down your throat” she tells him.

“I don’t care” he says slowly. I take his hand in mine and he looks at me. James gets up to go and page Dr. Morris.

“Justin you have to eat or they will make you eat” I tell him. “Please eat for me.”

“NO”

Dr. Morris entered the room an hour later with James a nurse, some tubing and an I.V. type bag. I moved my chair out the way and stood up just as another two nurses came into the room. The two nurses held Justin down as he screamed as the third nurse restrained him. Dr. Morris then inserted the feeding tube into Justin’s nose and straight down into his stomach. He coughed and choked which the doctor said was normal. The bag was attached and nutrients began to flow into Justin. 

“I am sorry that we had to tube you Justin but we can not have you commit suicide by starving yourself to death” he said. “While I am up here I may as well tell you that all your blood work came back negative but you will still need to come back for a follow-up test in six months” he said.

Justin and I spent a couple of hours together and I then had to leave to get some work done from home and since James did not want us to have joint therapy yet I had no reason to be there for the next two hours.

**  
James’s POV

“Justin we talked before about your drug use and less than a week later you rebounded. What happened?” I ask him. Justin is so complex and smart that it’s almost scary. He and his husband compliment each other that way.

“I don’t know.” 

“Oh come on you’re a smart guy, what is driving you to escape with drugs” I ask, I have a feeling that it’s more than just his art. Something must have happened that is bigger than art.

“I said I don’t fucking know.”

“Fine you don’t want to talk to me, fine. I will recommend that you are placed in a drug rehab facility and prohibited from any guests of any kind” I say.

“You can’t do that.”

“The fuck I can’t so cut the bullshit and tell me what’s going on” and he says…nothing. Complete silence. We sit there for ten minutes listening to the lights hum. Finally I cannot take it and stand up to leave.

“I don’t have time for this shit, I am putting in the recommendation” I say as I grab my notebook and tape recorder.

“Fine fucking fine” he says as he jumps up and nervously paces the room. 

“What do you want to know, huh, do you want to know that my fucking hand won’t work for shit without a fucking computer, A COMPUTER and do you want to know that my father has been calling me and telling me that I will burn in hell and if he had his way he would pull the trigger to put me there and that he never really loved me. Do you want to know that I can’t last ten minutes drawing with a pencil or any other object that isn’t a stylus before my hand goes to shit. How the hell am I supposed to make a living? Do you want to know that the guy who caused all the problems with my hand in the first place now goes to my school, where I used to be safe” he says falling silent as he stares out the window with tears streaming down his face. Something else is wrong.

“Justin what is it? You can tell me” I say. He turns and faces me looking me right in the eyes.

“If I tell you, you have to PROMISE you won’t tell Brian” he says. “He will do something stupid and go to prison” he tells me.

“Justin I can’t tell Brian what we talk about without your express permission.” I assure him and he turns back to the window sitting on the small inside edge.

“Chris Hobbs carries a gun to school with him and he uses it to make people perform sexual acts on him but no one does anything because his family is rich” he says silently. 

“But Justin you and Brian probably have as much if not more money than them” I point out. He just shrugs.

“Justin has Chris Hobbs ever made you do anything to him sexually while at gun point?” 

“Yes” he says and the tears are uncontrollable.

“Is that why you stopped going to class?”

“Yes” he says through snot and tears. I get him some Kleenex as I think of what to do with this information.

**  
Brian’s POV

I was on my way back to Justin’s room but when I quietly opened the door I heard the session with James heating up and froze. I caught the tail end of the conversation and I have never been more pissed.

“Chris Hobbs You SON OF A BITCH.”


	8. Glass Needles

Brian’s POV

 

I push through the doors of Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts on a mission. I am gonna kick Chris Hobbs’ fucking ass. I look for him in the one place I think he would go to fuck, the bathroom farthest away from the entrance. I walk up to the door and push only to find it locked, well he is a little smarter than I give him credit for and apparently very quick as I hear the lock click after I have stood there for about 5 minutes. I see the shaken boy come out and as he sees me standing there his face goes pale and now I know that Chris is inside. As the door swings open I catch a glimpse of Chris as he is pulling his pants up and I can see the gun sticking out of his pants. I slip in the door before it can fully close and walk over to Chris silently and easily pull the gun from his back.

“It would seem to me that we find ourselves in a very interesting position” I say as he whips around in shock. He opens up his mouth and starts to step toward me.

“Sit down and shut the fuck up asshole” I say as I open the chamber on the gun and laugh.

“Just like a little rich, spoiled brat to threaten people with a gun that isn’t even fucking loaded” I say as I fold my arms over my chest.

“Fuck you asshole, you don’t know shit about me. I don’t have to listen to this shit” he says as he stands and starts toward the door. Before he can reach the handle I grab him by the back of the shirt and jerk him back. “Get your goddamn hands off me” he screams. 

“I said sit the fuck down. Now I am only going to ask you this once. Were you fucking Justin Taylor?” I say with surprising calm.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, I haven’t seen Justin in weeks” he says and before I can stop myself I feel my fist connect with his left eye and he falls off his perch atop the sink. I grab him by the collar and stand him back up. “Were you… fucking… my husband?” I ask him again. He stares in my face and smiles slightly.

“You’re goddamn right I fucked him and he loved it, he was so tight and warm. It was like I was his first” he says and I punch him in the face, the blood immediately pools from his nose and before I know it I am on top of him on the floor as I lay punch after punch into his face and body and all I see is red. I get up off him and I feel him grab my leg and as I lose my balance I fall to the floor turning my body quickly when I hit the ground. He stands and spits the blood from his mouth and kicks me in the ribs. I grab his leg and twist it, he fell to the floor and I scrambled to my feet and kicked him in the stomach repeatedly and when I stopped I grabbed him by the hair and started to beat his face against the bathroom floor. As I do I think of all the guys and probably girls too besides Justin, that Chris has done things too and I am so pissed. I don’t stop until I feel arms pulling me off of Chris. I look up just as I am about to attack the person relieving Chris until I see it is the same pale and shaking boy that I had seen earlier. 

“He is out cold” he says as I lean against the sink.

“You better go before I call security to tell them that Chris got attacked” he says as he looks at my reflection in the mirror. “Don’t worry, I owe Justin. He stood up for me and took a lot of the rapes on my behalf” he whispers as tears flow from his face and he looks at Chris. I turn to look at him at that statement and I can see his back facing me.

“I was so afraid of him, I would smell him coming and I would freeze like the blood in my veins was made of ice” he says as he stares. I go up to him and touch his shoulder.

“What’s your name?” I ask him.

“Chris, can you believe the irony of that shit” he says with a little smile. “You know Chris that Justin is going through some tough times, maybe he would like for you to come and see him” I tell him.

“I would like that.”

“Yeah I am sure he would too” I say as I get a card out of my pocket “He is getting out of the hospital and coming home tomorrow. If you call the house I can tell you when it’s a good time to come over and see him” I tell him.

“Okay thanks” he says. I leave him in the bathroom and quickly exit the building and grounds, avoiding everyone. Unfortunately I could not avoid Justin.

**  
Next Day, Justin’s Hospital Room…

I could see him looking at me as James took in my appearance fully. “What the heck happened to your face and your hand?” she asks me and Justin stays quiet just looking past me with tears in his eyes. We cannot even lock eyes with one another, him not wanting to admit that Chris was doing things to him and me not wanting to admit that I had heard him say it. I look back at James and smile a little.

“Nothing James I am fine, really. Do you think I can talk to Justin for a minute… alone” I ask her as I look out the window and Justin looks at his hands.

“Yeah umm… I will be back in a few minutes” she said as she looked from me to Justin. She closed the door behind her and we sat together in silence for fifteen minutes, neither one wanting to talk first. Finally Justin folded as he always does.

“You went over there and beat him up didn’t you” he asks and I look up into his face for the first time since I got there and he is staring right at me. I nod my head and scoot my chair closer to him.

“I knew you would that’s why I did not tell you. I knew that you would go over there, did anyone see you?” he asked.

“A little frail boy named Chris, he told me that you stopped Chris from hurting him and took a lot of the rapes yourself. How many people were you protecting Justin” I ask him and the tears start to fall down his cheeks. I pull him into my arms and rub circles around his back. 

“Justin I know that you are strong and we are going to move past this, you are already on the road to recovery so we just have to keep the car on track” I tell him.

“I think that you are right Brian” he said as he wiped the tears from his eyes “I am just so scared that I am going to fuck up.”

“Honestly you probably will fuck up” I say and for once we both laugh.

“But that’s okay because whatever happens we will get through it together, plus, I have too many years with your smart ass too start over with someone new.”

“Yeah and no one else would put up with all your shit either” he said.

**

The next couple of months were hard for Justin and me but we stuck it out together and made it through. Chris came to see Justin and talked to him, whatever he told him must have worked because Justin never touched another drug again. He still had withdrawal symptoms and tough moments but with his willpower and sessions with James and my support he managed to pick himself back up and get it together. He even started school again but this time he enrolled at Carnegie-Mellon in their art department where he quickly became popular as one of the most moving and controversial student artist. He dedicated a whole student spotlight show to telling his addiction story through his art. It was the only student art show at Carnegie-Mellon to attract major media outlets. Justin still saw James but his visits were now once every two months or whenever he felt ‘itchy’ as I call it. Chris has remained a steady friend and they do everything together. The other Chris dropped out of P.I.F.A and was later found dead in a hotel room hanging from the ceiling, a victim of autoerotic asphyxiation. I came home and Justin was clinging to the paper and when I took it from him and read it he just started laughing hysterically. He did not stop for days.

Now here we were three years later and Justin is sitting on the floor playing with the puppy that he swears followed him home from school one day, I am sure a perfectly clean and well groomed Labrador Retriever just happened to follow him home. I agreed to let him keep it after many hours of sex and begging.

“Brian are you coming to the show on Friday” he asks me and I pause just to fuck with him.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about the show” he says as the puppy who he named Dean runs to get a ball Justin is throwing.

“I am just fucking with you Justin, I remember the date and yes I am coming to the show on Friday” I tell him as I walk over to where he is sitting on the floor. I sit next to him and just his scent makes me crazy. 

“Are you going to go to the three year turning point whatever it is that James wants you to go to” I ask him. I know he did not want to talk about it but we have to.

“I haven’t decided yet, I mean I want to go but I don’t want to want to stand up there an go on and on about some stupid shit that happened for a moment in time three…no almost four years ago” he says getting irritated.

“Okay” I say not wanting to push to much.

**  
Justin’s POV

“I don’t know why he wants me to go so badly I have been clean for almost four years and I have no intention of going back” I tell Chris.

“Maybe he wants you to stay that way, what can it hurt plus, who says that you have to give a typical speech. I say we put something together we can blend your art and my art and make a kick ass presentation” he says and it actually sounds like a pretty good idea.

“I gotta go, I still have to finish up some of my stuff for the show on Friday and I have that stupid test in Art history Ugh” I say as I stand to grab my stuff and get ready to go. 

“Coffee is on me” I say as I lay some money on the table for the waitress “Your still coming over tonight right you know I hate being alone and Brian is working late” I say.

“Yeah you know I am, are you cooking or ordering” he asks and smiles. 

“Humm…you will have to wait and see” I say as I kiss him on the cheek and leave the coffee house, completely unaware of the eyes that are following my every move.

**

“Hey Cynthia is Brian in his office” I ask. I have taken to coming by Kinnetik whenever I am in the neighborhood. Mostly because I get to help out in the art department one of the lush perks to being the big mans husband.

“Yeah he is in there Justin” she says with a wicked grin. I walk by her headed for the office when I hear her say “I will make sure to hold all calls” I turn around and smile my biggest sunshine smile.

**

“Hey Brian” I say as I go over and kiss his lips hard and long “I just wanted to come by and see what you were doing” I tell him.

“I was working until you came in here” he says as he comes over to the sofa where I am sitting and lays on top of me kissing all over my neck and on my stomach as he holds my shirt out the way. “God Brian you act like we never fuck” I say as my body betrays me and stands at attention.

He pulls back from me and silently unhooks my belt and throws my pants to the floor with my underwear. I feel my body tense as he enters a digit without warning “Oh god Justin you are so tight…Ugh…I can almost come from just touching you” he says. 

My mind is spinning and all I can do is buck against his fingers as he massages my prostate.

“Ugh…mmm…Bri…an…Oh my god” I say.

He removed his fingers and pulled my legs onto his shoulders and before I have time to breathe he is in me fully. 

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH GOD DAMNIT…Fuck ME…Jesus BRIAN” I scream and I cannot stop myself.

**

Brian’s POV

Jesus I did not know Justin could scream that loud. I try to kiss him to drown out the noise but he is extra loud today. “Ugh… Justin all the employees are going to hear you” I say as I move in and out of him.

He bites down on my shoulder and as I feel myself nearing climax I start to stroke him in tune with my thrusts.

“Oh Brian…Brian…BrianBrianBrianBrian…BRIAN” he screams as he comes all over us and I feel myself empty into Justin’s warm hole.

After we clean up Justin went to the art department to help on some panels and I am sure that the extra money he gets is also a good excuse to pop over there. I told him once that as his husband I should not have to pay for his services but he said he was not an art slut who just gave his work away. 

**  
Justin’s POV

As I was leaving Kinnetik a couple hours later, I could have swore that someone was following me. I stopped and looked over my shoulder but there was no one there. I hurried along to the loft with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

**

‘So this is what you have been up to since I last saw you’ I think to myself and I could swear that Justin saw me, he looked right over here as he came out of the building and I think he knows that I am here. 

‘Don’t worry Justin I will see you soon enough’ I think as I follow him along the street toward the loft.


	9. Glass Needles

AN: I know this is short, I know. I will try to make the next chapter longer.

* * *

Justin’s POV

Just as I was about go into the building I felt someone grab my arm I spin around just as the door clicks into place.

“Holy shit…Cody, what the fuck are you doing here?” I ask as he looks at me with this giant grin on his face.

“What kind of greeting is that, can’t a friend come to see another friend without getting the third degree” he says and I can see him trying to calm the shaking in his hands.

“Not when that friend has been gone for three years and not when that friend left you on the street to freeze and bleed to death the last time you were together with him” I say and I can tell he feels bad about that. 

“I never got as wasted as you did Justin I was scared to death when you passed out and I could not wake you up, I ran away as fast as I could” he tells me. I see him sit down on the stairs and I know that he really is sorry. I sit down next to him and our shoulders touch.

“I am sorry you know. I should not have left you like that; I should have stayed with you or got you some help. I ran back to Doug’s place, when I got there I saw blood all over my dick and my pants. I was paranoid man” I tense up at the mention of the blood and I can see him wave his hand in front of his face but I am trying to process what he just said and the fact that he has no idea that it was me he fucked.

“Justin you okay man” I hear him ask.

“Yeah…so, umm… you never answered my question. What are you doing here?” I try to ask casually. 

“I just wanted to come and see you” he started and before he was finished I had jumped up and crossed my arms over my chest. ‘That is complete bullshit’ I think. 

“If you are going to bullshit me then you can fucking leave cause I guarantee that my husband will kick your fucking ass if you’re here when he gets home” I tell him.

“Fuck…okay look, I need some money Justin. I know that I have not always been honest with you but I really do need money” he tells me as my stomach clenches.

“For what?”

“I cannot afford my HIV meds and I have not eaten in a couple of days” he tells me and its then that I fully take in his whole appearance.

“You’re what meds… you’re positive. Holy shit” I say. I swallow all the questions that I have and stand up.

“I’ll tell you what how about we go and get some food from the diner and go eat it in the park, we can pretend it’s just like old times” I tell him. I leave him on the stairs and run upstairs to get my bag with my sketch books in it and then I put Dean on his leash and head back down the stairs.

“Oh cute puppy, where did you get him?”

“From this woman who had a whole litter that she was giving away for free but I told Brian that he followed me home. Come on we can talk and walk” I tell him as I start out the door and turn in the direction of the diner. Cody is right behind me and for a second time goes back, except now I am clean and can remember this outing. 

**  
We got our food and had talked and eaten for hours. I knew that Brian was going to be worried crazy but I hoped he would understand. I think that Dean liked Cody more than he liked me.

“Cody, about the money, I cannot give it to you without talking to Brian about it first, we always talk about things like that with each other and I don’t want him thinking that I am hiding things from him.” He nods in understanding and as we walked back toward the apartment I give him enough money to get a room somewhere. I grab his arm and tell him “Cody, get a room with this money, a ROOM CODY” I tell him hoping that he would get a room and not buy drugs.

“I get it Justin” he says as he takes the money and bends down to pet Dean good bye.

I walk up the stairs and when I take Dean off his leash I notice that Brian is already home.

**

“Hey babe, I thought you would be here before I got home” he says as I lean down to kiss him.

“I was here but then I ran into Cody” I say as I watch his face for a reaction. 

“What the fuck do you mean you ran into him” and now I have his full attention, I am not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“He ran into me actually, when I got home he was here. He…he is positive and he was hungry so I took him to get some food and we ate it in the park.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah that’s it, I swear we ate and talked and I came home” I tell him. “I believe you sunshine. So why the fuck did he show up after all these years” he asks as I wrap my arms around him and kiss his neck sucking on his sweet spot just below his ear.

“He wanted to borrow some money I told him that I had to talk to you about it” I say as I lay kisses down his neck and reach my hand down to unbutton his pants.

“Justin do you think it’s a good idea, I am not gonna stop you from giving him money. I just really want to be there with you when you go see him from now on okay” he says and I cannot blame him for wanting to keep a tight leash while Cody is around.

“Anything you want baby…umm” words are lost on me as I turn his chair around and straddle his legs, I press my lips to his and he pushes my head closer with his hand and we are wrapped up in each other. He picked me up and carried me into the bedroom where he proceeded to remove all my clothes and his.

**  
Brian’s POV

Justin is asleep in my arms after a lovely round of love making and as I pull him close I think about the past couple of years and how wonderful they have been and how Cody coming back into the picture does not seem like a good thing. 

“What are you thinking about, baby” he asks me suddenly.

“I thought that you were sleeping.”

“I cannot sleep when you are brooding, and stop dodging the question and tell me what you’re thinking.”

I think over whether or not I want to tell Justin my feelings about Cody. What do I have to lose? “I am worried about Cody showing up after all these years. You have worked so hard to get a handle on your addiction and now this guy pops up who was there with you when you hit rock bottom, how am I supposed to feel about him” I say.

“I have no intention of relapsing okay” he says as he snuggles closer to me and drifts off to sleep.

I look at him and gently ease myself from his embrace. I step over Dean who has decided that the foot of our bed is his sleep space.

I settle in to try and finish up some work that needed to be done on Monday.

**  
Two hours later I watch as Justin pops up from the sheets and makes his way to the bathroom. Dean is right behind him and he almost trips over him. “Oww damn it Dean, move out the way” he says in frustration. When he emerges he looks over at me and smiles. He walks over and sits on the arm of the sofa facing me.

“So are we going to give Cody some money or not” he asks me.

“Well I say that we give Cody a proposition instead of flat out money, we are businessmen so we could at least pretend we are. I say that we agree to sponsor him instead of giving him money, if he goes to therapy and gets help for his addiction then we will be his sponsors” I tell him “How does that sound to you?” 

“I think that that is actually a great idea. He could get help and we could know that he is not buying drugs with our money” he says as he thinks it over in his head. “I am going to call him and tell him that we are going to come over” he says and reaches for the phone.

I reach out my hand and motion for him to give the phone to me. “I’ll call sunshine, what’s the number.” 

I get the number from Justin and wait for Cody to pick up the phone. “Hello?” a very obviously sleeping Cody answers.

“Justin and I are coming over, we have a deal to make with you” I tell him and hang up the phone. I look at Justin and smirk.

“If he wants to play, he can play by my rules.”


	10. Glass Needles

When Brian and I went to the hotel the next day to check on Cody and work out the details of our agreement he was gone. The hotel manager said that he had checked out early that morning. In my heart I think I knew that he would not be there when we got there, I knew that he would be gone. I was lucky in my recovery, I had a husband who cared enough to stand beside me and help me pull out of the situation that I was in. Not to mention the family that showed up whenever they sensed that they were needed.

Cody’s body was found three weeks after he disappeared, it washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan. When no family claimed his body Brian agreed to pay for the burial. I visited his grave everyday for the first couple of weeks and now I visit at least once a week. It helps to remind me of the path that my life could have taken if I had not had the support system that I do. It was the death of Cody that made me realize that I wanted to speak at the three year sobriety thing at the rehab center.

I heard Brian’s voice and it snapped me back into focus. “Come on sunshine, we’re gonna be late if you keep fucking around” he said from his spot by the door.

“Okay, I’m coming” I yelled as I looked at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. I walked out the bathroom and met him at the front door. “Okay…I’m ready let’s get the show on the road.”

**

“Our next speaker is Justin Kinney. Justin come on up.” I could feel the blood in my body run cold, Brian placed his hand on my back and leaned in close to me, “Just breathe and say whatever comes to your heart” he said.

I walked slowly to the podium and closed my eyes when I finally stood behind it. I opened my eyes and saw all the family and Chris sitting there in the audience just to support me.

I listen to my heart and let the words flow “I didn’t want to come here, and to be honest I still don’t want to be here. My friend died a couple of weeks ago and that’s the reason I came here today because if I had followed the same path as him I would be dead too. But, thanks to my friends and my family I was able to bounce back from the brink of impending death and I thank them and love them for that. There is one person that I have to thank more than any other, my husband Brian. I have never loved someone more than I love him and I never will” I say as I turn all my attention to Brian.

“You gave me the strength that I needed to make it through the storm, you stuck by me when others walked away and you helped me to be more than I ever thought I could be. You helped me to breathe, you helped me overcome and in the process you never stopped loving me. I love you more now than I did then and I will love you more tomorrow than I do at this moment. That will never change, Thank you” I say as I step away from the podium and off the stage where I stopped in front of Brian.

“I have never been more proud of you, sunshine. I love you” he said as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me deeply.

“I love you too.”

‘I have never been more proud of myself’ I think as I relax into Brian.

* * *

I know I said that I would TRY and make the next chapter longer but I did not think the story called for it. I was pulling from Chapter 9 which as all my friends know by now, was not my favorite chapter, LOL.


End file.
